FOR SALE: DAVID’S CATAPULT

By Akin Ojumu

By way of the Instagram algorithm, this short video popped up on my feed this morning. The video depicts a pastor, clad in white suits and red tie, hawking a spiritual implement inside what’s supposed to be a Church to an overtly ecstatic congregation.

This time around, the spiritual implement being marketed is the original sling that David used to kill Goliath. According to the man of God, the divine catapult carries the same supernatural powers to knock your enemies out cold.

Now, you don’t ask me how the man of God obtained the original catapult that David used to kill Goliath. He probably got it on one of his many travels to heaven. What’s important is that you can use the divine catapult to kill all those pesky Goliaths in your life who have been messing things up for you and making your life a living nightmare. With the David’s catapult in your hand, you’ll be able to smite all the nasty Goliaths and chop off their head.

For those of you reading this and have already assumed the doubting Thomas mindset, well, hear the man of God make the sales pitch in his own words.

“This is what David used to kill Goliath. This is a divine catapult. With this your enemies shall be scattered.”

Given the spiritual power imbued in this divine catapult, what it costs should not even come up for discussion. For me, such a powerful instrument is priceless. You cannot put a price on a spiritual implement loaded with so much power from on high. 

Yet, in the generosity of his heart, the man of God is selling it for a paltry sum of:

“Only $1,000.”

Because of it’s being sold at such a cheap price, there’s a rush for the divine catapult, as you can imagine. Everybody wants to get their claws on the Goliath-killing machine. As a result, it is no longer available for purchase. 

Regrettably, you won’t find it sold on Amazon, Walmart doesn’t have it in stock, and neither Ali Express nor Alibaba has it for sale. So, you’d be wasting your time looking for the catapult on those websites.

Fortunately, though, I got wind of this very early. The moment I learned that they were available for sale, I knew there would be a rush. Without wasting time, I immediately placed an order for 10 of them directly from the man of God himself for $1,495.99 each. And as it turns out, I was one of the lucky few who got their hands on the catapult before they ran out.

I know many of you are interested in getting one. Being the nice guy that I am, I willing to make it available to you. But because of the limited supply, it’s going to be on a first come, first serve basis. I’m offering it for a mere $1,500 plus shipping and handling.

Please note that it’s cash only. No bitcoins or personal checks are accepted. And there’s most definitely no return policy. Once you buy it, you own it. Call me immediately for the payment arrangement.

DISCLAIMER

For the purpose of full disclosure, it’s important that I clarify that I cannot affirmatively and categorically tell you that the event depicted in this video did actually occur. More likely than not, it didn’t. The video could be a comedy or a parody. And I’d not be surprised if it turns out that it’s AI generated.

Nonetheless, if you are honest with yourself, you know that the silliness portrayed in the video is by no means far-fetched. It’s a common occurrence. Gospel hucksters, great and small, perpetrate similar deceptive schemes in the various religious houses every day.

The caricatured charlatan selling the catapult in this video is no different from folks who claim to drink tea with God. The shyster hawking the divine catapult is cut from the same cloth as pastors who tell their congregation that they have power to transfer mystical power into combs, handkerchiefs, chairs, and rods. We even have impostors hawking plots of land in heaven. Then there are those selling miracle soap, miracle money, miracle keys, and all sorts of amulets and charms in the name of God.

So, if you dismiss the selling of David’s catapult, as depicted in this video, as something that only fringe elements do, it means you haven’t been paying attention. If you watch this video and you tell yourself this doesn’t happen in my Church, you are simply ignoring the obvious by burying your head in the sand.

As much as you may want to deny it, the fact is the Christian faith has been corrupted. For the most part, Biblical Christianity has been replaced with a rebranded and repackaged New Age Transcendental Occultic mysticism that’s presented as Christianity. The empty false gospel of this false religion that’s now preached all over presents a false god, a false christ, and a false spirit to people for them to worship instead of the true God, true, Christ, and true Spirit of the Bible who deserve all our worship.