BISHOP DUNCAN-WILLIAMS’ HEAVENLY RANGE ROVER

By Akin Ojumu

Some preachers say some things so outrageously wacky that when you hear what they say you know without a shadow of doubt that the person saying these things is as crazy as a rat trapped in a coffee can. 

Like a coastal town with overrun levees, we are submerged in the flood of ridiculous utterances made by all sorts of religious hucksters. The deluge comes at us fast and furious, it’s like these people are trying to outdo themselves in order to get on the Guinness Book for the wackiest remark.

Take for instance the incredible account Bishop Nicholas Duncan-Williams gave in this video clip of what he claimed he saw when he went on an intergalactic voyage to heaven.

“Like I saw cars in heaven. I saw Elder Saki in heaven, and he was riding a beautiful car…a white Range Rover. And it was shining like a diamond and his whole body was full of light. And I said, ‘Papa!’ Then I was shocked. I was in a shock to see a Range Rover in heaven. And I said it’s impossible, there can’t be cars in heaven…this is heaven. Then the angel said, ‘Have you not read, and have you not been told that the street of heaven is made out of gold?’ Then it makes sense that streets are made for cars.”

In this fabulous story told by the great man of God, Elder Saki was out cruising around the golden streets of heaven in his white Range Rover. The color of this Range Rover is uniquely heavenly; it’s like nothing we see here on earth. While the car appeared white it also shined like diamond. It’s impossible to comprehend.

Since the Bishop didn’t give us the full gist of everything he saw, I’m going to take the liberty to employ the power of imagination to fill in some of the details which will add color to the half-finished portrait.

The first thing you need to know is that Elder Saki was traveling at 180 mph on a street with a maximum speed limit of 55 mph. Unlike here on earth, speed doesn’t kill heaven. Well, that may be because people in heaven are already dead.

Nevertheless, Elder Saki was fortunate he was driving on the day of grace in heaven. For those of you who may not know, in heaven, the day of grace is the day that the Heavens Glory Police Department, i.e., the HGPD, allows motorists to go as fast as their vehicle could handle. I can tell you that the heavenly cars, with their 1600 litre 24 stroke turbocharged 360-degree V36 double-overhead camshaft (DOHC) reciprocate engines, are built to travel fast.

On the day of grace, speed cameras installed on heaven’s streets of gold are turned off for a 12-hour period between 6 am and 6pm. Had it not been the day of grace, the officers of the HGPD would have pulled Elder Saki over to give him a ticket for being a reckless driver.

As much as I try to fill up the details in Bishop Duncan-Williams’ story, I fall short because of the limitation of my imagination. As a result, I’m not able to figure out whether the Range Rover the Bishop saw uses gasoline or if it’s an electric vehicle or a hybrid. This is one of the questions I’d like to ask the man of God on the day I’m lucky enough to run into him. 

Talk of which, I’d also love to know whether the Bishop and Elder Saki stopped at any petrol station along the way to fill up the Ranger Rover. It’ll be interesting to know how many liters of fuel it took to fill up the vehicle and also how much per liter they sell petrol in the heavenly realm. I’m pretty sure there are no fuel scarcities in heaven and definitely no long queues at the filling stations.

If all of this sounds ridiculous to you, it’s because it is. And that’s exactly the point of this commentary. The purpose of writing on this ridiculous story of White Range Rover in Heaven is to provoke fellow Believers to pick up their critical thinking cap and put it on. The satirical take on this bogus narrative by Duncan-Williams is to point out the absurdity of the tall tales that preachers like him spin to mesmerize their gullible audience in order to hold them captive. 

Cock and bull stories like this silly yarn by Duncan-Williams have become commonplace in contemporary Christianity. The House of God is packed full of fabulists who are frequent flyers to the heavenly realms. They often come back to regale their bewitched admirers with fantastical tales of their celestial adventure. 

The reason such stories have become rampant is because tales of voyages to heaven have become a highly profitable venture. Celestial astronauts who share captivating stories of their trips to heaven make a fortune selling books and tapes of their adventure.

Yet we know how all this is going to end for the liars and deceivers. Badly.

“In their greed, these false teachers will exploit you with deceptive words. The longstanding verdict against them remains in force, and their destruction does not sleep.” (2 Peter 2:3).

Selah!