THE BLUNDER OF AN ENTITLED MOOCHER

By Akin Ojumu

Renowned intellectual midget, Rabiu Kwankwaso, is intent on taking the Ndigbo to the school of hard knocks. For daring to aspire for the Office of the President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, this proud scion of the leeches of the Nigerian state is reminding the Southeasterners to know their place in Nigeria’s politics, which is, according to him, at the very bottom of the totem pole.

Ticked off by their strident insistence on producing the next Mai Gida of Aso Rock, the sagacious political jobber from Kano believes the illiterate Igbos have a thing or two to learn about how politics is played in Nigeria. The inerudite scholar has painstakingly developed an unimaginative educational curriculum that will turn on the lightbulb of political knowledge in the puny brains of the Ndigbo. His moronic academic syllabus has the potential to transform these illiterate buffoons to intellectual Mongols like himself, if only they are capable of digesting the deeply resourced course material.

To show that he’s for real, the know-nothing Fulani flunky summons a press conference where he gives a snippet of his inaugural political lecture to the uneducated Igbos. The political nonentity starts off the presser in his familiar untutored fashion. With scatterbrained precision, Mallam Rabiu enunciates the collective deficits of the Ibo people. 

“You see…now, one thing that I believe the Southeast must learn in addition to other things…” 

Characteristically uninformed, the unlettered Fulani wiseman lets it be known that Southeasterners have a huge hole in their intellect which must be filled with knowledge – which he describes as the “one thing” – which is the preserve of the Fulani lords. 

If anyone thinks that Rabiu’s assessment of the Igbos is some malicious commentary blurted out without much thought, they’ll be sorely mistaken. What he espouses is an asinine observation from a not-so astute mind informed by long hours of meticulous study and decades of dedicated obfuscation. This unintellectual Fulani has spent his life dissecting the Southeast. After many years of dividing and conquering them, the bashful Northerner professes an unequivocal understanding of the many defects of the Ndigbo. 

So, the unlettered fellow from up North must know what he’s talking about. Unlike anyone else, this Northern nerd understands Ibos' basket of deficiencies. In the press conference, he addresses only one out of the lot. Before he does so, he concedes that the Igbos aren’t entirely brainless or completely inept. The pompous Fulani lets us know there are, in fact, a handful of things the cretinous Southeastern dullards have got going for them…despite being so incapable. The igNobel Northern laureate doesn’t want people to assume that nothing good can come out of the Ibos. 

When they think of the Ibos, Kwankwaso wants people to know that:

“They are very good in terms of businesses; they are very hardworking; very industrious; very this, this, and that…” 

The privileged Northerner, drawing from the deep well of his obtuse ethnology of the Ndigbo, surmises that they are “very this, this, and that.” The Igbos, he says, are preternatural commoners whose destiny it is to sweat, serve, and slave for the Northern oligarchy. To effectively do their job as hewers of wood and drawers of water for the Fulani aristocracy, hard work and industry come naturally.

Besides the aforementioned all-important qualities, however, the Ndigbo are good for nothing else. Therefore, the birdbrained Fulani man wouldn’t want the Southeasterners to go astray chasing after elusive presidential power. Mallam Kwankwaso thinks – nope, scratch that – knows it’s an egregious error for the Southeastern peasants to seek a place in Nigeria's seat of power. He believes their aspiration to become the Mai Gida of Aso Rock is a misguided misadventure akin to a house negro clamoring to become the slave master. It’s a totally foreign concept.

The self-important Northerner believes it’s totally out of place for Ndigbo to punch way above their weight and he scoffs at the idea that they are even dissatisfied with their lowly position in the Nigerian society. As an entitled northern brat, his royal blood boils at the audacity of ordinary people desiring to become extraordinary. “Tufia!” Kwankwaso swears, “over my dead Fulani body will that become a reality.”

“But one area that they must learn is politics,” the over-pampered Northern freeloader continues in his remonstration of the Ndigbo’s political agitations, “in politics they are at the bottom line.”

Thus, the entitled know-nothing Northern moocher whose sole achievement in his entire life is ravenously devouring the National Cake, puts a nail in the coffin of the presidential aspiration of the Southeast. Foolishly, the Fulani parasite dismisses the possibility of an Igbo presidency as a fantasy of inhabitants of fool’s paradise. But this leech and his kind are in for a rude awakening.